By request

[five_alarm]

Brought to you live, direct from parts unknown, at great expense to us, and no thought to personal safety, the new and amazing Jokes area. Warning, we are not responsible for split guts or slapped knees.

There will be a certain amount of latitude given in this area as to what is considered "good taste". We ask that you keep an open mind, not too open though "gray matter stains". DOOOHHH

There is one rule , if we find it offensive it's gone.

[bestcoast]

How can you tell when a Firefighter is at a party????

He'll tell you!!!!:eek: :D :eek: :D ;)

[FireEMTGuy]

haha! :D

[colin911]

Here's another one along the same line ...


Q. How does the bartender know you are a firefighter???


A. You've told her 10 times.

[bestcoast]

What's the difference between a pig and a firefighter??

A pig doesn't turn into a firefighter after a few drink's!!!!!

:D ;) :D

[wilderness]

This lady goes into the Vets and and tells the Vet ,i think my pet duck is dead.....
he askes her to place the duck on the examination table and proceeds with the examination, after a few minutes he says Miss, i,m afraid your duck is indeed deceased......
Are you sure, that he is dead......
The vet then whisles and this big black lab runs into the room and sniff the duck all over, and proceeds to push it all over the table, then gets down and walks into the back room and lays down........ Miss i'm afraid he is dead, are you sure. she asked. so the vet gets his assitant to go into the back room... and she brings out this white cat and places it on the table, the cat rubs its head over the ducks body and then jumps down and walks into its pen and curls up and goes to sleep. Miss i,m afraid the duck is no longer with us........ Oh OUR poor family how will we cope with our loss.... after a few minutes she asked how much she owes for his services.... $310.00 dollars the vet says, $310.00 thats alot of money she says well Miss it would have been $10.00 but you asked for a LAB report and a Cat scan......


LA LA LA MONKEY MONKEY MONKEY....... BOO

[bfrd22]

Bwwaaahahahah, Lab report and cat scan. I think I scalded my nose blowing out hot coffee!:D :p :D

[Michael13]

I guess all MY jokes were offensive. Sorry

[wilderness]

did the big guy say something... i see nothing wrong with poking fun at ourselves

[wilderness]

A Russian couple were walking down the street, in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop of rain hit his nose.
"I think it's raining," he said to his wife.....
"No, it felt more like snow to me," she replied
"No, I'm sure it was indeed rain," he said...

They were about to begin arguing with each other about whether it was raining or snowing, when they saw a Communist Party official walking towards them....

"Let's not argue about this." the man said. Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's raining or snowing.

As the official approacjed the man said " tell us, Comrade Rudolph is it raining or snowing?....

It's indeed raining the Comrade said and continued on his walk, But the woman insisted, " I know that felt like snow!"

To which her husband quietly replied: Rudolph the red knows rain, Dear..............
Your morning graoner....tada....:rolleyes:

[five_alarm]

Hello Michael13,

FYI
We at Firehall.com have not had to remove or censor any jokes recently.

The leading theory on the disappearance of the alleged joke is that a roving band of small pixies have absconded with it.

Please feel free to attempt the post again. We all look forward to a good old belly roar.

Thank you for supporting Canada's #1 online fire & rescue joke telling, resource.

Stay Safe
Web-Chief

[Michael13]

The jokes have returned to their place. Sorry bout that. I was worried they were removed.

[five_alarm]

Boys, what we had here was a classic case of Run Away Thread (RAT). As a result we moved this intriguing cerebral montage to the General Chat area under the heading snow. We believe that this RAT was started by the onset of snow to the west coast.

Do not allow this action to be taken personally.

A common side effect of this action (the moving of a Live RAT) is sever depression known as DRATS or 'Depressive Run Away Thread Syndrome'

If you find your self suffering from DRATS please seek out a professional bartender at once. He will know what to do. In some minor cases a good friend or colleague and a case of beer will do.

So in short watch out for the RAT to avoid DRATS

[bestcoast]

A hack golfer spend's the day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at his caddy and say's " I've played so poorly all day, I think i'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
The caddy looked back at him and say's " I don't think you could keep your head down that long.:

[bestcoast]

A man find's himself in a line up that lead's up to the pearly gate's of heaven. As he gets closer he notice's that people are being judged whether they are worthy of entering heaven. The Bad ones are cast aside to the gates of hell where satan throw's them into a pit of fire. But the man notices that some of the people are being spared the pit of fire and are cast aside. He goes up to satan and ask's " Prince of darkness, I notice that most people end up in the pit of fire but some are cast aside and spared " Satan reply's" Those one's are from Vancouver, they are too wet to burn"..........BC....

[cdnbacon]

There's a papa tomato, a mama tomato, and baby tomato all walking down the street. After a while the baby tomato starts to lag behind. Finally the papa tomato turns around and squashes the baby tomato over the head and says "Catch up". :rolleyes:

Real groaner.

All my firehall jokes wouldn't make it past an European Censorship Committee.

[colin911]

cdnbacon ... did you just finish watching Pulp Fiction???

[cdnbacon]

That wasn't the first place I heard it. But I do now remember hearing it there to.

[mutts252]

why do firefighters all wear those big, red suspenders?

...


...


...


to keep their pants up, of course. *groan*

[Scuba]

doh.
Ok...... That's just pathetic.

[FFWannabe]

When geese fly in formation, why is one side of the V longer than the other?
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There's more geese in it.... of course! ;)

hee heee heeeeee!!!

[Scuba]

Oh god. Sue's got the lil'wannabe's joke book out again.......

[FFWannabe]

hee hee... just trying to keep up with mutts!! haha!

Okay.. back to studying.... sure wish that was a joke! lol

Sue :)

[bestcoast]

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Quazimotto are sitting around shooting the breeze. Sleeping Beauty declares " I believe I am the most beautiful person in the world." Tom Thumb says" Well I believe that i am the smallest person in the world." And Quazimotto declares " Well then I say that I am the ugliest person in the world."
So they decide the only way to find out if they are what the say is to go down to the Guiness book of World records to see if they are correct.
Sleeping beauty goes in first and comes out with a piece of paper and declares " This piece of paper from Guiness confirms that i am the most beautiful person in the world and it can be found on page 44."
Tom Thumb goes in and comes out.." This piece of paper declares that i am the smallest person on earth and can be found on page 174."
Quazimotto goes in and after sometime comes out as says in a loud voice" WHO THE HELL IS CAMILLA PARKER BOWLES."

[JoJobrat]

what is warm and wet on the inside, hard and hairy on the outside, starts with a C and ends with a T?
*
*
*
*
*
I will give you a hint! It has a U and an N in it!
*
*
*
*
*
*
Coconut

[Scuba]

**** GROAN **** :rolleyes:

[wilderness]

Ok The Challendge Is On.......get Some Better Jokes Going Here Folks

[bestcoast]

Jim and Edna were both patients at a mental hospital. One day when they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the director of nursing became aware of edna's heroic act, she considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell edna the news she said " Edna I have good news and Bad news"
"The good news is you are being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in the pool and saving the life of another patient. I have concluded your act displays a sound mind."
"The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in his bathroom with the belt from his robe right after you saved him.I am sorry, but he is dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home."

[bestcoast]

A women emerges from her shower and stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are to small. So for a change her husband comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow then everyday take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything she grabs a piece of TP and stands in front of a mirror rubbing it between her breats.
"How long will this take she asks.?"
"They will grow larger over a period of years." her husband replies.
She stops. "Do you really think that rubbing a piece of TP between my breasts will make them larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat her husband replies " Worked for your butt didn't it!!"
By the grace of god he is still alive, and with a great deal of therapy and the generous help of hospital staff he may walk again someday............BC...

[colin911]

BC ... you've got some of the best jokes on here ... keep'em coming!

[Scuba]

Here's for some pictoral humor.....

[bestcoast]

BC ... you've got some of the best jokes on here ... keep'em coming!
I'll do my best...can't take all the credit....I have some pretty twisted friend's........BC...

[Scuba]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!






What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?


Juan on Juan




What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone




Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it



What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts



Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any



What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever



What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities


What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs



What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes


What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife


Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends


What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you


What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving


Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls


What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside


What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"


Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you


Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA


Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it


Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar

What would you call it when a Frenchman has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this..."

[Scuba]

A man took his wife to the Fair and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. "The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.

[BCFFFV]

Damn those are some good ones!!!!!

[HOSE_HOUND]

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

[HOSE_HOUND]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."
"That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

[Bubba]

After a hard days work a (insert hall here) firefighter was just too tired to attend practice. After dinner while he was settling down with a beer the phone rings... his wife was busy, so he picks it up, the voice on the other end asks "is the coast clear?" and he says "how should I know, thats miles from here!"

my favorite acronym, CHAOS
Chief
Has
Arrived
On
Scene

Take care all

[bestcoast]

Mick, the bartender says'" you won't be drinking anymore tonight Paddy."
Paddy replies "OK Mick i'll be on my way then". Paddy spins around in his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face."Shoite" he says and pulls himself up with the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face."Shoite,Shoite!"
He looks at the doorway and thinks to himself if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the doorframe. He sticks his head out the door and takes a deep breathe of fresh air and feels much better. He takes a step outside and falls flat on the pavement."Bi-jesus, i'm fockin focked" he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down and crawls to the door and shimmies up the doorframe, opens the door and struggles inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says' No fockin way!!"
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says" if i can just make it to my bed."
He takes a step into his room and falls flat on his face. He says" fock it" and falls into bed.
The next morning his wife Bridget, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says "Get up Paddy, did you have a bit to drink last night?"
Paddy says" I did Bridget, I was fockin pissed. But How'd you know."
"Mick called, you left your wheelchair at the pub!!.."

[FFWannabe]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."
"That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

Bwaaahhhahahahahahahhaa.... Oh my, I think I just peed my pants!!! hahaha!

Sue :D

[kirk_fredericks]

This guy walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says,"This is the pig I screw when you have a headache."

His wife says "Thats's a sheep you moron."

He says "I'm talking to the sheep."

[FFWannabe]

This guy walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says,"This is the pig I screw when you have a headache."

His wife says "Thats's a sheep you moron."

He says "I'm talking to the sheep."

grrooooaaaannnn... hahaha.. although I did chuckle loudly!! haha

Sue :)

[NBmedicFF]

A guy walks into a pizza shop and orders a pizza.

The guy at the counter says " You want me to cut that into 12 pieces or 15?"

The guy replies "Better make it 12, I can't eat 15."

[ilaff]

Give me a sentence about a public servant", said the teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure", said the young student confidently. "It means 'carrying a child'.

[MFDFF33]

A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for 100 condoms. To which the pharmacist replies, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?" and the duck says "What kind of a duck do you take me for?"

[Scuba]

Understanding that we all (for the most part) have a sick and twisted (normal to us, only appears so to others) sense of humor.....why not just put a sign up over this chunk'o'forum 'anything goes, 18+ don't complain we warned you'

.....honestly.....there's been some funny stuff that's gone poof over the last lil'while.....

Besides..... I have a bunch I know wouldn't last an hour with F_A on the prowl.....but F_C would probably be rolling around the office bustin a nut over'em errrrr I meant gut..... yeah that's it......

So that raises another question......Who do we have to be careful about offending?

I mean - I like the muppets and all but hey....talk about Miss Piggy all you want....it doesn't bother me...

Brought to you live, direct from parts unknown, at great expense to us, and no thought to personal safety, the new and amazing Jokes area. Warning, we are not responsible for split guts or slapped knees.

There will be a certain amount of latitude given in this area as to what is considered "good taste". We ask that you keep an open mind, not too open though "gray matter stains". DOOOHHH

There is one rule , if we find it offensive it's gone.

[wilderness]

yea, what about it chief...... come on other sites find a way to do it.... booo yeaaaaa

[LFD_FF17]

Sounds like a good idea to me. Dont think there are too many on this site that are under 18 anyways. I think if you put up a disclaimer or something that says Proceed at Your Own Risk or something to that effect its all good

[fire_code]

Understanding that we all (for the most part) have a sick and twisted (normal to us, only appears so to others) sense of humor.....why not just put a sign up over this chunk'o'forum 'anything goes, 18+ don't complain we warned you'

.....honestly.....there's been some funny stuff that's gone poof over the last lil'while.....

Besides..... I have a bunch I know wouldn't last an hour with F_A on the prowl.....but F_C would probably be rolling around the office bustin a nut over'em errrrr I meant gut..... yeah that's it......

So that raises another question......Who do we have to be careful about offending?

I mean - I like the muppets and all but hey....talk about Miss Piggy all you want....it doesn't bother me...

This is a joke... right? I don't think we need to explain ourselves on this one guys.

[wilderness]

This is a joke... right? I don't think we need to explain ourselves on this one guys.
come on boss, we are all adults here, mind you some of us are still kids at heart........ got to be something we could do about this, the line about the crack________ was priceless, my guts still hurt........ your a god, got to be something that can be done without having a wrist slapped or balls busted... come on put the thinking cap on, we challenge you...........

[fire_code]

come on boss, we are all adults here, mind you some of us are still kids at heart........ got to be something we could do about this, the line about the crack________ was priceless, my guts still hurt........ your a god, got to be something that can be done without having a wrist slapped or balls busted... come on put the thinking cap on, we challenge you...........

It's not legal repercussion we fear, we could technically do it. We simply don't feel this is appropriate content for a fire fighthing site. To be perfectly honest, we were a little reluctant adding a jokes forum in the first place. Firehall.com is provided as an invaluable resource to anyone interested in firefighting, at any age, with any belief or background. We're not about to add a 18+ section to our site, there are many sites that specialize in this area. We'll let them do their job, we'll do ours.

[wilderness]

come on boss, we are all adults here, mind you some of us are still kids at heart........ got to be something we could do about this, the line about the crack________ was priceless, my guts still hurt........ your a god, got to be something that can be done without having a wrist slapped or balls busted... come on put the thinking cap on, we challenge you...........
i,m not going to be black listed for this i'm i

if so read my last remark....sorry about that chief......

[wilderness]

i,m not going to be black listed for this i'm i

if so read my last remark....sorry about that chief......

point taken.....

[fire_code]

i,m not going to be black listed for this i'm i

if so read my last remark....sorry about that chief......

Hey, we're open to ideas, just explaining why this particular one is not such a good idea:D... however you are marked and will be closely monitored from now on;)

[dentedhead]

Strange as it may seem I am in agreement with admin on this.It would be a reach to find someone who would be less offended by anything than me.There really are no motherhood issues in my book when it comes to humour.

It is however a faceless forum,you dont really know who is reading something that you and I may find funny but they are disgusted or morally offended by it.Over 18 warnings are fine, whose gonna check the ID and help admin deal with emails from the angry mom of FF123 who is really Jimmy Simkins 13 y/o and in grade 8 not a captain on TFD.An over the top example but a possibility.

FC,FA etal the joke forum is often great Im glad its there.Of course it goes without saying so is the whole site.

Dentedhead

[FireChef]

I am starting to get a little pissed off here. I had posted a funny, small bit of tastelessness and it gets pulled, and I get some BS story about why I got it pulled, I then inform the person about another joke that mentions about a mans "dick", but I see that it is still on the thread. I am not trying to point fingers at who posted the joke, and I not offended about the joke either. What pisses me off is that WHERE DO WE DRAW THE LINE??? I was told by a certain person, that he would look at the joke, and make a desicion about the joke. So A) He didnt find it as offensive as my joke, or B) He didnt even bother to read it and just forgot or didn't care.

So this goes out to the powers at be..... Please give us some clarification about the jokes we can and can't tell.

I dont see the answer being to create an NC-17esk room where we can post those kind of jokes, kids I think we be more inclined to look at them.

[iamvff]

Just a suggestion here, no disreguard intended to anyone! Instead of making a big issue out of the Jokes forum (which BTW is a luxury not a nessesity to this site) and making it all labor intensive for the web dudes to try and manage, Why don't we just have it that you post your joke, (trying to keep it to your version of clean...everybodies different!) and if it stays on you win, and if it gets pulled then I guess you can try again with another joke! I am pretty sure they don't edit the jokes by who you are! Come on folks....It's a joke column...don't make it more than it should be! Have fun...drink beer...put out fires and stuff (not in that perticular order)

just my thoughts
iamvff :D

[fire_code]

I am starting to get a little pissed off here. I had posted a funny, small bit of tastelessness and it gets pulled, and I get some BS story about why I got it pulled, I then inform the person about another joke that mentions about a mans "dick", but I see that it is still on the thread. I am not trying to point fingers at who posted the joke, and I not offended about the joke either. What pisses me off is that WHERE DO WE DRAW THE LINE??? I was told by a certain person, that he would look at the joke, and make a desicion about the joke. So A) He didnt find it as offensive as my joke, or B) He didnt even bother to read it and just forgot or didn't care.

So this goes out to the powers at be..... Please give us some clarification about the jokes we can and can't tell.

I dont see the answer being to create an NC-17esk room where we can post those kind of jokes, kids I think we be more inclined to look at them.

The joke was brought to our attention. I think it is clear to see the difference between a relatively harmless joke that contains the word "dick" and a joke that suggests sexual conduct between children's characters. If you, or anyone else, had found the thread offensive we would have no problem pulling it. We will continue to do damage control by removing threads we feel may be too off-colour before they are reported. The poster you are refering to recently had another joke pulled for that reason, so we are not picking favourites here.

We keep ourselves quite busy here, don't get too offended if we remove a trivial piece of content and don't follow up with detailed explanation.

As for iamvff's suggestion, we ask that you keep our moderating tasks to a minimum and do a bit of a sanity check before posting something. We don't want to start playing games with the admins, do we now? :D I'm looking in your direction un-named poster... you know who you are.

[Scuba]

*sigh* I was just trying to make your lives easier.....yeah....that's it.....

and btw...when I said 18+ I was just refering to being able to post content that some might consider offensive....not porn.....just in case anyone was questioning that.

And ARGH Why me? Why did I get duped into opening this can of worms...Thanks Wilderness!!! :p

This is a joke... right? I don't think we need to explain ourselves on this one guys.


And now....following up with Chef's post, like I said in my Clinton joke - the details were ALL OVER THE FRONT PAGES OF EVERY MAJOR NEWSPAPER AND TV NEW SHOW IN NORTHAMERICA. What's wrong with laughing at it?

[FFWannabe]

Why is one side of the formation of geese longer than the other?
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Because there are more geese it in silly!!!


Hee heee... sorry, it's just so serious in here lately.... yuck it up Chuckles, we're here for a good time not a long time! ;)

Sue :)

[fire_code]

And now....following up with Chef's post, like I said in my Clinton joke - the details were ALL OVER THE FRONT PAGES OF EVERY MAJOR NEWSPAPER AND TV NEW SHOW IN NORTHAMERICA. What's wrong with laughing at it?

I really hate to do it, but I'll take the bait one last time. There are a lot of things that mainstream media does that I do not agree with. Regardless, yes every news agency ensured that we were well informed of the all details, yet I think you'd have a hard time finding a reputable news outlet willing to publish your little dirty funny.

We aren't rating your jokes here; we aren't telling you that it is wrong to laugh at it. We're just asking that you keep the forums clean for everyone to enjoy. I think that is a pretty reasonable request. Join a dirty joke maillist, start a private message joke network, just keep it out of the forum.

We are talking about a couple of jokes here... seriously, give it up.

[DFCSmash]

Right on Fire Code. Works for me.

I don't think it's all that difficult to find funny stuff that is "clean" or to clean up "racy" stuff.

For those who find this too confining, I can assure you there are many other forums out there that don't give nearly as much leeway on using those #$%@&^* symbols let alone actually using the cuss words.

The moderators here seem quite moderate in their editting/locking/deleting of posts/threads.

[Scuba]

We are talking about a couple of jokes here... seriously, give it up.


*waves white flag*

[Scuba]

There will be a certain amount of latitude given in this area as to what is considered "good taste". We ask that you keep an open mind, not too open though "gray matter stains". DOOOHHH

There is one rule , if we find it offensive it's gone.

Be warned F_A is easily offended :p

[wilderness]

i would say something but jude thinks it will be deleted before its even posted.........

[bestcoast]

Check this guy out. Need Speakers...

http://s158645047.onlinehome.us/video_5290_10558.html?sid=5290&aid=10558

.BC...........

[iamvff]

Check this guy out. Need Speakers...

http://s158645047.onlinehome.us/video_5290_10558.html?sid=5290&aid=10558

.BC...........

Cool...can I have him at my next birthday party!

iamvff :D

[cosmo]

http://john.textamerica.com/?r=5177258

[Keyatg33]

A ham sandwhich walk into a bar and orders a beer. THe bartender looks at him ans says "sorry we don't serve food here."



Cow 1: I was artificialy inseminated today

Cow 2: I don't believe you

Cow 1: No! Really no Bull

[bestcoast]

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig
his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to
plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up
a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would
dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad


A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I
buried the BODIES.

Love, Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived
and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the
old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from
his son.


Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do
under the circumstances.

Love, Vinnie

[bestcoast]

A PERFECT DIET!



I have a Labrador retriever.
I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog?
On impulse, I told her that no, and that I was starting The Purina Diet again.
Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall, black guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my b*lls and a car hit me.
I thought the black guy was going to have to have help as he laughingly staggered to the door.

[doc_]

again...brilliant

[FFbeaumont]

I guy comes into a bar with an octopus under his arm and claims that his octopus can play any instrument you put in front of it, and he quickly starts taking bets. A member of the band on stage invites the octopus up and hands it a guitar. Sure enough the octopus wails into a Jimmy Page solo and amazes the crowd. Next the drummer steps aside and allows the octopus to have a go, and again the octopus lays down a drum solo reminiscent of John Bonham himself. A man gets up out of the crowd and hands the octopus a bagpipe.....the octopus looks at it and begins fumbling and tugging at it awkwardly, the man who owns the octopus comes up and says " What's the matter, can't you play this? the octopus replies. " Play it..... I'm going to f$#*k it if I just get these damn pajamas off.......

[angelwithhorns]

the little girl was riding her new bike through the park one day when a cop on horseback asks her if she got that new red bike from her mommy and daddy for christmas. Yes replied the little girl with a big smile on her face. The cop bent down and handed her a ticket and told her to tell her parents to put reflectors on it next time. The little girl looked down and saw she was fined five dollars for no reflectors. She looks up at the cop and asks him if his mommy and daddy got him his horse for christmas. Playing a long with the little girl he smiled back at her and said well yes they did. She looked back up at him and with even a bigger smile on her face she said next time tell your mommy and daddy that th p**** belongs under the horse and not on top of the horse and off she rode.

****** A cop did tell me that one.**********

[cranky]

What's the difference beetween your wife running away and your dog running away?







You Look for your dog.

[Fire97]

Three dogs are at the dog park, a german sheppard, a golden retriever and a chuihaua, when in comes a white toy poodle looking for a mate. She tells them she is willing to take one of them home with her. She say's " one of you will breed me, but only one, Liver and cheese are my two favorite things in the whole wide world and you must use them in a sentence"
So the German sheppard say's " I hate Liver and Cheese it taste terrible!" not what the poodle wanted to hear, the Golden say's " I love liver and Cheese it's my favorite!" The poodle was quite impressed by his sentence.
Then the Chuihaua walks right past the German Sheppard and Golden Retriever and say's "Liver her alone cheese mine!!!"


GROAN!!!!!

[RugbyCanada]

BWAHAHAHHAHA!!!

K, give me a second, I have to clean a few up.

[RugbyCanada]

Whats 18 inches long and hangs from an asshole?














McGuinty's tie.

:)


RC

[RugbyCanada]

Mr. Big Rich and his wife buy a 5,000 sq. ft. place in Toronto and hire a black guy to do the landscaping. Every year on Mr. Richs' birthday, he has a huge party, and he pays the black dude double to cut the grass with a pair of scissors to make the lawn clean and neat.

20 years go by, and on Mr. Rich's 50th birthday, his wife says "Honey, every year on your birthday, you make Leroy cut the grass with a pair of scissors, but you never invite him to the party. Your getting older, perhaps you should invite the help".

Mr. Rich thinks about this, and decides to invite Leroy to the party.

Leroy shows up at 9 o'clock, and is the only black guy at the party. He is a huge hit with the older white ladies, and made women that never danced before do the macarena.

Right before midnight, 1 minute before his birthday, Mr. Rich gathers the guests around his pool, and presses a special button on a remote control. All of a sudden, the lawn that Leroy has been cutting with scissors for the past 20 years opens up, and exposes an underground pool with the biggest alligator in the world!

Mr. Rich grabs a microphone and says: "As you know, I am a generous man. On my birthday, I always give away one million dollars to somebody who can impress me. This year, I will give one million dollars to the first person who jumps into the pool, and can swim to the otherside without the man eating alligator catching him."

Just as Mr. Rich finishes his speech, there is a huge splash, and everyone turns to see Leroy sitting in the pool, fighting with the alligator. This goes on for 10 minutes, and finally Leroy swims away and hops out of the pool.

Stunned, Mr. Rich says "Leroy, that was amazing!! I owe you a million dollars."

Leroy says: "Sir, I don't want no million dollars."
Mr. Rich: "What? o.k., I'll give you a Ferrari."
Leroy: "Nope."
Mr. Rich: "A brand new house then! Anything you want!"

Leroy says: "Sir, I just want the name of the guy that kicked me into the pool."......


;p)

RC

[Fire97]

A little girl lived in a house next to a lot where they were building a new house, as it was summer and she was home from school she watched them build the house. During the week she would help out by passing the man his hammer, go and get a 2X4 for some one else, do the coffee runs etc. The workers were so impressed by her dedication, they decided to give her a pay cheque. Off to home she went to show her mom and dad her money, her parents were very impressed and told her that they would open her a bank account, she thought this was great, at the dinner table that night her father asked her " so honey will you be going to work tomorrow?" to his surprise she responded " if those F@#$k'n A$%holes at the Home Depot would get the drywall and other shit delivered, then ya daddy I'll go to work tomorrow!!"

[gus_n_helen]

How can you tell when a Firefighter is at a party????

He'll tell you!!!!:eek: :D :eek: :D ;)

Let Me Borrow Your Face For A Halloween Party As I Am Sure To Win Joking Scotsman GUS

[niloofar]

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[3rdGen]

Whats the difference between police and firefighters?
Firefighters don't want to be police.

What do police and firefighters have in common?
They both want to be firefighters!

But this link pretty much sums it up: Everybody loves a firefighter...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWg7Vzpod5U&feature=related

[Firekiller12]

Buddy calls the local FD all excited, screaming "My house is on fire! My wife and Kids are inside and the whole place is full of smoke and flames. Y'all need to come quick!"

The dispatcher tries to calm him down a bit and asks him how to get there.

"What? Y'all ain't got them big red trucks no more?"