Messed Up Week

[Sparky2004]

Okay, this is really crappy, and the only reason that has encouraged me to write this crap out is because of FireEmt Guy. I saw his post.

I knew my friend was going through some problems, but I didn't know how serious things were until this past week. My fellow fire student and I caught my friend in the act of commiting suicide by slashing her wrists and forearms. She had cut long, deep gashes in her wrists and forearms going up the arm, not across the wrist.

I just found out that before she cut herself she had tried to tie four plastic bags over her head, but found that it took too long. She was just sitting there in her bathtub, bleeding like a stuck pig, staring at the shower head. She wouldn't respond verbally to me. The training kicked in, thank god, and 'Mittens' (nickname here for his sake) kept talking to her as we tried to control the bleeding. She just layed there. Mittens has more experince than I do so I let him take the lead. It just happened naturally. I can't remember feeling any emotions at the time, it was like I was a robot. The calvary arrived and took over.

I went and sat on her black leather couch, covered with blood. Fire was cool enough to offer me some water and wash my hands for me with sanitizing alcohol hand wash. That act of kindness seemed to help me 'snap out of it'.

Mittens and I have been to talk with some people. But lastnight I had a dream that I was stuck to the ceiling in her apartment, watching her tie plastic bags on her head, and layin down to die.

I am glad she is in the hospital getting help, but she wanted to be caught in the act, it seems she planned it that way. And I hate her for that. Sounds selfish, but that's how I feel. I know I need to cry, but it just doesn't happen. It's like I physically cannot cry.

Thanks for the rant. Had enough of it.

[DoubleHelix]

Sorry to hear about this. Take it easy and keep on talking.

[BMC22]

Very sad to hear. If you have to continue venting please do so man. I can't imagine being put in a situation like that :(

[iamvff]

GET HELP!!!!! It may not need to be proffesional help, maybe it does. The worst thing you can do is to not talk to someone you trust about it. Start by talking to the person that helped you, they went through the same ordeal. The both of you should seek help together, ask your Fire chief or call a crisis line, see a doctor, find your local critical incident stress team. There are many avenues to take. Just make sure you take one. Good Luck, hope you feel better soon. Keep us posted.

Be Safe,
iamvff

[Hart]

I agree with iamvff you and you freind need to go see someone for help before it eats you up. The worst thing to happen now is to go another call and have this on your mind and have it affect you.I have seen this happen with one of our members and he quit right after the call. Because he would not talk to anyone about his feelings. Good Luck Stay Strong

[FireEMTGuy]

I'm glad you are able to talk about it, like I said and was told it does nothing to help you to keep it inside.

With that said I think you should look into some professional help. Psychologists allow you someone to talk to about what your feelings are and help you to deal with them.

I have never been in a similar situation, prey to god I never will, but if I am, I know my training will work but afterwards I can't say how I would react...

A lot of people think they can deal with serious issues and stress on their own, but a lot of the time it only leads to depression and anxiety.

There are a lot of professional services out there that can help. If you can't seem to work past this yourself then I suggest you try that.

Good luck and stay safe.

[Sparky2004]

Thanks guys. I have been set up with a CIS counsellor. Mittens has his people to talk with. It was suggested to us both that we see the counsellor both together and one-on-one. My boyfriend suggested that I see a female counsellor for my comfort, but it doesn't matter to me. I'll take what can get.

I had metioned this forum to my counsellor, and he was very impressed. He said that it seems because someone else had shared a personal story on-line, that's what got me to talk.

I don't know any of you, but I feel comfortable talking here. It just felt right. Sounds messed up, but that's how it is. I guess the shock of it is over, because I am talking here. Mittens agreed that the shock is over for him, because he punched a hole in the wall. We both laughed over that.

I am still angry with my friend, because she tried to off herself. K, here it comes,....my father killed himself on my 15th birthday by carbon monoxide poisoning. He backed up his car exhaust by using a garden hose, and stuck it in the driver's window. I have fogiven him, did that a long time ago. But you see, my mom has tried overdosing a couple of times over the past 8 years. The most recent attempt was earlier on this year. It's a cry for help, but there I am, rushing her to the hospital. She has PTSD, and a borderline personality disorder resulting from childhood trauma. So, I am sick of suicide, just sick of it. My friend tried it, and I guess she knew that I would try and stop her. That's what she wanted, someone to stop her. I had the keys to her place. She knew that I wouldn't let it happen.

I go and see my counsellor in person tommorow.

I guess your curious to know how Mittens got his nickname. During training at Base Borden a while back, he kept complaining how tight his gloves were on his hands. He whinned about it so much that the army instructor named him 'Mittens', to warn others about his tendancy to complain about glove sizes. He had the perfect size. He just complained. Now, most of the Base Borden instructors know him. :p

[iamvff]

I am glad to hear things are working out. Be easy on your freind, Depression is a very, very nasty thing. Support is extremely important.

Be Safe, and have a great day!!
iamvff

[iamvff]

Hey Sparky2004
I was thinkin about your post just the other day, and was just wonderin how your making out? Hope things have been a little brighter in the last couple of weeks. How is your freind? Just checkin in, have a great day.

Be Safe,
iamvff

[ThFyrWthn]

Hey Sparky,

Just thought I'd pop in to say I'm glad you're seeing someone. I could only imagine what you've been through and I'm sorry you have.

One more thing. Don't feel to bad about being pissed at your friend. I would be too, especially if she knew your past and meant for you to be the one to "save" her. She obviously needs alot of help, don't let her just lean on you. I'd tell her if she doesn't get some serious help she can forget you being there. It'll force her to get what she needs and save you from having a breakdown.

Just my two cents as they say, do with it as you will. I'm just concerned for you.