Joke Du Jour....

[bestcoast]

The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The president decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants througout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After 3 months of extensive investigation's they conclude that rabbit's do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After 2 weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out 2 hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: " Okay, Okay, i'm a rabbit, i'm a rabbit!!".......BC.....

[FLASHOVER05]

The LAPD goes in. They come out 2 hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: " Okay, Okay, i'm a rabbit, i'm a rabbit!!".......BC.....

Wouldn't that be animal crulty?hahahahahahahlol

[bestcoast]

Two men are driving through Vancouver when they get pulled over by the VPD. The officer walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down his window and WHACK, the officer hits him in the head with his nightstick. "What the hell was that for?" the driver asks."Your in Vancouver son" the officer answers."When we pull you over you had better have your license ready when we get to your car"."I'm sorry officer" the driver says, "i'm not from around here". The cop run's a check on the guy's DL and it comes back clean-he gives him his DL back. Then the officer walks over to the passenger's side window and taps on the glass. The passenger rolls down his window and WHACK, the officer hits him on the head with his nightstick. "What did you do that for" the passenger whines. "Just making your wish come true" the officer says. "Making WHAT wish come true" the passenger replies.
"Well now" says the officer " you know and I know about two blocks down the road, your going to turn to your buddy and say "I wish that a-hole had tried that sh*t on me!"

[bcfire]

LOL good one BC.Nothing like nipping it in the bud! BCFIRE

[cdnbacon]

That's hilarious! My uncle and aunt are both in the VPD I can't to tell them the joke.

[bestcoast]

Tragedy in Eastern Canada

Gander NFLD, (cp)

Canada's worst air disaster occured early this morning when a Cessna 152 crashed into a cemetery in Central Newfoundland. NFLD Search and Rescue have recovered 901 bodies so far and expect that number to rise as digging continues into the evening.

[firebabs222]

Good one Bestcoast, ya had me rollin.

[bestcoast]

Three Texas surgeons were arguing as to which had the greatest skill. The first began "Three years ago, I reattached seven fingers on a pianist. He went on to give a recital for the Queen of England." The second replied "Thats nothing, I attended to a man at a car accident. His arms and legs were severed from his body. Two years after I reattached them, he won three gold medals in field events at the Olympics."
The third says "A few years back I attended to a cowboy. He was high on cocaine and alcohol when he rode his horse head on into a Sante Fe freight train travelling 100 miles an hour. All I had to work with was the horse's ass and a ten gallon hat. He's now The President of The United States.......;).....BC...

[bestcoast]

An Engineer died and ended up in hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called satan to mock him. " So, hows it going down there in hell.?"
Satan replied " hey things are great we have air conditioning, and flush toilets and escalators, and theres no telling what this engineer will come up with next."
God was suprised "What, you got an engineer, thats a mistake. He should have never gotten down there in the first place, send him back up here."
"NO way" replied satan. "I like having an engineer, and i'm keeping him"
God threatened " Send him back up here or i'll sue."
Satan laughed and answered " Yeah, right! And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[Scuba]

A man was sitting in his easy chair and reading the paper, when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him over the head with a rolled-up magazine.

"Ouch! What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for a piece of paper in your shirt pocket with the name of Mary Lou written on it!" she replied.

"Two weeks ago, when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said, "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later, he was watching the ball game on television, when his wife walked up behind him and hit him over the head again, but this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "Now what was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse just called!!!!"

[bestcoast]

On the sixth day God turned to the angel Gabriel and said " Today i'm going to create a land called Canada."
"It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty- it shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, and beautiful sparkly lakes bountful with trout and carp. There shall be forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."
God continued "I shall make the land rich in oil so the inhabitants may prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be know as the most friendly people on earth."
"But Lord" asked Gabriel " don't you think you are being to generous to these canadians?"
"No, not really" God replied...."Just wait and see the neighbours i'm going to give them."

[Scuba]

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

[bestcoast]

The pentagon recently decided they had too many generals so they offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired immediately his full annual benefits and 10,000 dollars for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the generals body, with the general getting to choose any two points he wished.
The first general was from the Army. He asked the pension clerk to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six Feet. He walked out with a check for 720,000 dollars.
The second general, from the Air force asked the clerk to measure from the tip of his upstreached fingertips to his toes. Eight feet. he walked away with a cheque for 960,000 dollars.
The third general was a grizzled old marine from Texas. He told the pension clerk "Son, I want you to measure from the tip of my penis all the way to my testicles."
The pension clerk suggested that the general might like to re-consider, pointing out the nice cheques the two generals previous had received.
The Marine General insisted "No sir, you heard right, go ahead and measure."
The clerk said that was Ok but had better get a medical officer to do the measuring.
The medical officer asked the general to Drop'em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape at the tip of the generals penis and worked back.
"My God he said, where are your testicles??"
"Vietnam" the General replied.................BC......

[bestcoast]

1- Her Diary.

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar and have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that i was late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so i suggested we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home i told him that i loved him, he just smiled and kept on driving. I cant explain his behavior; I dont know why he didn't say i love you too. When we got home i felt as if i had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV, he seemed distant and absent. Finally i decided to go to bed, about ten minutes later he came to bed and to my suprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but i still thought he seemed distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided i could'nt take it anymore and decided to confront him with the situation but he'd fallen asleep. I started crying and cried till i fell asleep i dont know what to do i'm almost sure his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a Disaster.











2.His Diary.

Today the Canucks lost, but at least I had sex.

[Roadwarrior]

1- Her Diary.

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar and have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that i was late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so i suggested we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home i told him that i loved him, he just smiled and kept on driving. I cant explain his behavior; I dont know why he didn't say i love you too. When we got home i felt as if i had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV, he seemed distant and absent. Finally i decided to go to bed, about ten minutes later he came to bed and to my suprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but i still thought he seemed distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided i could'nt take it anymore and decided to confront him with the situation but he'd fallen asleep. I started crying and cried till i fell asleep i dont know what to do i'm almost sure his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a Disaster.



2.His Diary.

Today the Canucks lost, but at least I had sex.
Request permission to change "Canucks" to "Leafs"?

[bestcoast]

Request permission to change "Canucks" to "Leafs"?
Permission granted....lol......BC....

[FLASHOVER05]

Permission granted....lol......BC....
I love the leafs but they look more like the Laffs than anything

[bestcoast]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on a vacation to Jerusalem.
While they are there the wife passes away. The Undertaker told the husband " You can have her shipped home for 5,000 dollars or you can bury her here in the holy land for $150 dollars."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked " Why would you spend 5,000 dollars to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and it would only cost you 150 dollars?"
The man replied " Long ago a man died here, he was buried here, and 3 days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[bestcoast]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates they are met by St. Peter. He says "sisters, since you have lead such exemplary lives the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."
The first Nun says "I want to be Sophia Loren" and *poof* shes gone.
The second Nun says," I want to be Madonna" and *poof* shes gone.
The third Nun says " I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peters looks perplexed. "Who" he asks.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says" sorry that name just doesn't ring a bell"
The Nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.....
"No Sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months"
If you laughed you are going straight to Hell!!!!

[bestcoast]

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the
>woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
>
>Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just
>about every buttercup in the patch.
>
>All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little
>old woman appeared.
>
>She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to
>make those buttercups?
>
>Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for
>your popcorn for the rest of your life:
>
>Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest
>of your life...As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for
>anything the rest of your life!"
>
>Then POOF!...she was gone!
>
>After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend,
>"Fred, where are you?"
>
>Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows."
>
>Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, FRED; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T
>SWING!"

[iamvff]

LOL...getting a little bored on your holidays there BC??:D

iamvff

[bestcoast]

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP
1. Your houseplants are alive and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM!
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19 If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt. Then you forward it to a bunch of old pals & friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do the same.

[bestcoast]

guy goes to Revenue Canada to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him about his previous employer.

He replies: "The army. I served in the Princess Pats for three years; last duty in Afghanistan".

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment". The interviewer then asks,

"Are you disabled in any way"?

The guy says, "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off".

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A M to 4:00 PM.

You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 to 4:00, why do you want me to come in at 10:00?"

"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls.

Not much point in you coming in for that."

[firefighterfred]

lol that was a good one

[bestcoast]

Picture on the Nightstand

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man
on her nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

[MFDFF33]

Where do you find these jokes? LOL

[bestcoast]

Where do you find these jokes? LOL

Oh here and there......:flute:..............BC.........

[MFDFF33]

Oh here and there......:flute:..............BC.........

Well Keep'em coming ;) I enjoy a good laugh my friend