By request

Did you hear the one about...
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Scuba
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Postby Scuba » Mon May 02, 2005 6:15 pm

Here's for some pictoral humor.....
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bestcoast
Posts: 2575
Joined: Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:33 pm

Postby bestcoast » Mon May 02, 2005 6:17 pm

colin911 wrote:BC ... you've got some of the best jokes on here ... keep'em coming!
I'll do my best...can't take all the credit....I have some pretty twisted friend's........BC...

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Scuba
Posts: 3166
Joined: Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:59 pm

Postby Scuba » Mon May 02, 2005 7:01 pm

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!






[/size][align=center]What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?[/color][/align]

Juan on Juan
[/size]
What is a Yankee?[/size]
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone


[/size]
[/size]
Why is divorce so expensive?[/size]
Because it's worth it


[/size]
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts
[/size]
Why is air a lot like sex?[/size]
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

[/size]
What do you call a smart blonde?[/size]
A golden retriever
[/size]
What do attorneys use for birth control?[/size]
Their personalities
[/size]

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?[/size]
45 lbs




[/size][align=center]What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?[/color][/align]
45 minutes

[/size]
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?[/size]
Through his chest with a sharp knife
[/size]

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?[/size]
Because those men already have boyfriends
[/size]

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?[/size]
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
[/size]

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?[/size]
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving
[/size]

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?[/size]
Because they have cotton balls
[/size]

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?[/size]
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside
[/size]

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?[/size]
"Are you sure it's mine?"
[/size]

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?[/size]
Mace will do that to you

[/size]
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?[/size]
Everyone has the same DNA

[/size]
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?[/size]
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it

[/size]
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
[/size]A different bar

[/size]What would you call it when a Frenchman has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment

[/size]What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
[/size]They're hiring

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
[/size]Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
[/size]A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this..."
[/size]
Last edited by Scuba on Mon May 02, 2005 7:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.


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Scuba
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Joined: Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:59 pm

Postby Scuba » Mon May 02, 2005 7:10 pm

A man took his wife to the Fair and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. "The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.



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BCFFFV
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Postby BCFFFV » Mon May 02, 2005 7:39 pm

Damn those are some good ones!!!!!

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HOSE_HOUND
Posts: 53
Joined: Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:33 pm

What a way to go

Postby HOSE_HOUND » Thu May 19, 2005 10:08 am

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
Have fun and stay safe!

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HOSE_HOUND
Posts: 53
Joined: Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:33 pm

Golf anyone?

Postby HOSE_HOUND » Thu May 19, 2005 10:10 am

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."
"That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
Have fun and stay safe!

Bubba
Posts: 144
Joined: Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:33 pm

missing practice ?

Postby Bubba » Fri Jun 17, 2005 8:38 pm

After a hard days work a (insert hall here) firefighter was just too tired to attend practice. After dinner while he was settling down with a beer the phone rings... his wife was busy, so he picks it up, the voice on the other end asks "is the coast clear?" and he says "how should I know, thats miles from here!"

my favorite acronym, CHAOS
Chief
Has
Arrived
On
Scene

Take care all
Last edited by Bubba on Fri Aug 26, 2005 1:53 am, edited 1 time in total.

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bestcoast
Posts: 2575
Joined: Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:33 pm

Night celebrating Ireland's draw with Germany during the World Cup..

Postby bestcoast » Tue Jun 21, 2005 9:40 pm

Mick, the bartender says'" you won't be drinking anymore tonight Paddy."
Paddy replies "OK Mick i'll be on my way then". Paddy spins around in his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face."Shoite" he says and pulls himself up with the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face."Shoite,Shoite!"
He looks at the doorway and thinks to himself if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the doorframe. He sticks his head out the door and takes a deep breathe of fresh air and feels much better. He takes a step outside and falls flat on the pavement."Bi-jesus, i'm fockin focked" he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down and crawls to the door and shimmies up the doorframe, opens the door and struggles inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says' No fockin way!!"
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says" if i can just make it to my bed."
He takes a step into his room and falls flat on his face. He says" fock it" and falls into bed.
The next morning his wife Bridget, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says "Get up Paddy, did you have a bit to drink last night?"
Paddy says" I did Bridget, I was fockin pissed. But How'd you know."
"Mick called, you left your wheelchair at the pub!!.."

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FFWannabe
Posts: 3898
Joined: Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:33 pm

Postby FFWannabe » Wed Jun 22, 2005 9:25 am

HOSE_HOUND wrote:A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."
"That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
Bwaaahhhahahahahahahhaa.... Oh my, I think I just peed my pants!!! hahaha!

Sue :D


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