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Did you hear the one about...
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A Perfect Diet.

Postby bestcoast » Tue Jan 02, 2007 11:46 pm


I have a Labrador retriever.
I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog?
On impulse, I told her that no, and that I was starting The Purina Diet again.
Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall, black guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my b*lls and a car hit me.
I thought the black guy was going to have to have help as he laughingly staggered to the door.

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Postby doc_ » Tue Jan 09, 2007 11:03 am

semper eadam

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Talented Mollusk

Postby FFbeaumont » Thu Jun 21, 2007 2:16 am

I guy comes into a bar with an octopus under his arm and claims that his octopus can play any instrument you put in front of it, and he quickly starts taking bets. A member of the band on stage invites the octopus up and hands it a guitar. Sure enough the octopus wails into a Jimmy Page solo and amazes the crowd. Next the drummer steps aside and allows the octopus to have a go, and again the octopus lays down a drum solo reminiscent of John Bonham himself. A man gets up out of the crowd and hands the octopus a bagpipe.....the octopus looks at it and begins fumbling and tugging at it awkwardly, the man who owns the octopus comes up and says " What's the matter, can't you play this? the octopus replies. " Play it..... I'm going to f$#*k it if I just get these damn pajamas off.......

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cop and horse

Postby angelwithhorns » Sat Mar 01, 2008 1:51 am

the little girl was riding her new bike through the park one day when a cop on horseback asks her if she got that new red bike from her mommy and daddy for christmas. Yes replied the little girl with a big smile on her face. The cop bent down and handed her a ticket and told her to tell her parents to put reflectors on it next time. The little girl looked down and saw she was fined five dollars for no reflectors. She looks up at the cop and asks him if his mommy and daddy got him his horse for christmas. Playing a long with the little girl he smiled back at her and said well yes they did. She looked back up at him and with even a bigger smile on her face she said next time tell your mommy and daddy that th p**** belongs under the horse and not on top of the horse and off she rode.

****** A cop did tell me that one.**********

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Your wife and your dog

Postby cranky » Fri Mar 21, 2008 3:38 pm

What's the difference beetween your wife running away and your dog running away?

You Look for your dog.
If I have to explain you wouldn't understand anyway.

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dog joke

Postby Fire97 » Sat Jul 19, 2008 5:44 pm

Three dogs are at the dog park, a german sheppard, a golden retriever and a chuihaua, when in comes a white toy poodle looking for a mate. She tells them she is willing to take one of them home with her. She say's " one of you will breed me, but only one, Liver and cheese are my two favorite things in the whole wide world and you must use them in a sentence"
So the German sheppard say's " I hate Liver and Cheese it taste terrible!" not what the poodle wanted to hear, the Golden say's " I love liver and Cheese it's my favorite!" The poodle was quite impressed by his sentence.
Then the Chuihaua walks right past the German Sheppard and Golden Retriever and say's "Liver her alone cheese mine!!!"

It works 100% of the time, 50% of the time!!!

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Postby RugbyCanada » Sat Jul 19, 2008 10:25 pm


K, give me a second, I have to clean a few up.
If you can read this, thank a teacher. If its in English, thank a vet.

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Postby RugbyCanada » Sat Jul 19, 2008 10:26 pm

Whats 18 inches long and hangs from an asshole?

McGuinty's tie.


If you can read this, thank a teacher. If its in English, thank a vet.

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Postby RugbyCanada » Sat Jul 19, 2008 10:52 pm

Mr. Big Rich and his wife buy a 5,000 sq. ft. place in Toronto and hire a black guy to do the landscaping. Every year on Mr. Richs' birthday, he has a huge party, and he pays the black dude double to cut the grass with a pair of scissors to make the lawn clean and neat.

20 years go by, and on Mr. Rich's 50th birthday, his wife says "Honey, every year on your birthday, you make Leroy cut the grass with a pair of scissors, but you never invite him to the party. Your getting older, perhaps you should invite the help".

Mr. Rich thinks about this, and decides to invite Leroy to the party.

Leroy shows up at 9 o'clock, and is the only black guy at the party. He is a huge hit with the older white ladies, and made women that never danced before do the macarena.

Right before midnight, 1 minute before his birthday, Mr. Rich gathers the guests around his pool, and presses a special button on a remote control. All of a sudden, the lawn that Leroy has been cutting with scissors for the past 20 years opens up, and exposes an underground pool with the biggest alligator in the world!

Mr. Rich grabs a microphone and says: "As you know, I am a generous man. On my birthday, I always give away one million dollars to somebody who can impress me. This year, I will give one million dollars to the first person who jumps into the pool, and can swim to the otherside without the man eating alligator catching him."

Just as Mr. Rich finishes his speech, there is a huge splash, and everyone turns to see Leroy sitting in the pool, fighting with the alligator. This goes on for 10 minutes, and finally Leroy swims away and hops out of the pool.

Stunned, Mr. Rich says "Leroy, that was amazing!! I owe you a million dollars."

Leroy says: "Sir, I don't want no million dollars."
Mr. Rich: "What? o.k., I'll give you a Ferrari."
Leroy: "Nope."
Mr. Rich: "A brand new house then! Anything you want!"

Leroy says: "Sir, I just want the name of the guy that kicked me into the pool."......


If you can read this, thank a teacher. If its in English, thank a vet.

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the little girl joke

Postby Fire97 » Mon Jul 21, 2008 9:43 pm

A little girl lived in a house next to a lot where they were building a new house, as it was summer and she was home from school she watched them build the house. During the week she would help out by passing the man his hammer, go and get a 2X4 for some one else, do the coffee runs etc. The workers were so impressed by her dedication, they decided to give her a pay cheque. Off to home she went to show her mom and dad her money, her parents were very impressed and told her that they would open her a bank account, she thought this was great, at the dinner table that night her father asked her " so honey will you be going to work tomorrow?" to his surprise she responded " if those F@#$k'n A$%holes at the Home Depot would get the drywall and other shit delivered, then ya daddy I'll go to work tomorrow!!"
It works 100% of the time, 50% of the time!!!

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